“Either I am the best or I am about to get cut” -Pigeon John from the song Identity Crisis
Many of us have lost the art of friendship. I know I have. I have a terrible problem of sizing people up as soon as I meet them.
When I meet new people I sadly only have two categories to put them in.
a) Better than me
b) Less than me
Pathetic, I know. Speaking christianly, this is sin. And frankly, to even see these written down from my hands is terrible. How can these be the categories? I wish the categories were cooler like “eccentric” or “fascinating”, or “super hero”, but this filing system has been embedded in me without a conscious thought. Yet even more, with these horrific categories I wonder where is a third, more common category; peer, a good friend, an equal.
I rarely look at anyone as a peer. I either think, “They are better than me, what can I gain from this friendship?” Or I mercifully (read this word with my own self disgust) think, “They are less than me, how can I benefit them?”
Where are the equally beneficial, mutual relationships? I have lost the art. Maybe you have too.
I know a few friends who think of me as a peer may get offended by this, but they are really the exception in my life and honestly I distance myself from them (and maybe they from me), because these relationships are the hardest.
A peer is when the statements below are mutually true of a relationship (this is not a complete list):
Is more than someone you have a beer with, but not necessarily less
Is someone you are excited to share good news with
Is someone you confide your sadness and struggles with
Is someone you assume you will see often without the aid of mandatory common meeting places (ie. Work, church, etc.)
Is someone who you would miss if you have to move
Doesn’t always follow you (even when you think they should) and you don’t want to necessarily always follow them
Has the stones to tell you how you screw up you are even when you see how screwed up they are
Not always your biggest fan, but always supports you
Until true equals engage with and see each other as that real community will never form. And community is where we find context and meaning.
I know many people who I love as fellow humans, but I have only a few that I like. You know, like to be around. And sometimes “like” can be more powerful than “love”. If not more powerful, at least more engaging, and that is where peers start together.
Do you have good close friends or just relationships that go mostly one way? If you are lacking truly equal friends why do you think that is? What do you think hinders true meaningful peer relationships?
